Getting There
the hell course is coming to a close
There are three weeks remaining in my English Teaching course. Of the two outstanding assignments, I finally received my grade on one. I passed that fucker. The next is still out there in the ether waiting for its initial assessment. If the tutor finds enough things to address, I will need to resubmit it. If not, I will pass it without having to resubmit. This is the hope, of course, though from what they tell us, it’s unlikely. So I wait.
In the meantime, I have this coming week off (with regards to teaching). The final two weeks of the course, however, will have me teaching my remaining two classes. We also have one final written assignment to do by then, but it’s supposedly an easy one. It’s to be written in our own language and it covers what we’ve learned, what we believe to be our strengths and what we need to work on. It’s hard to fail this one. Short of filling it with verbal insults and dick pics, it should be easy enough.
What this all means is that I will most likely pass the course. That wasn’t so sure a few weeks back, which I discussed in previous posts. Two failed written papers and you’re both out of the class and out of a stack of cash. As I’ve said, it’s rare to fail the second written paper, but I managed to do it. It was all about grammar, which I have internalized as a writer, but clearly do not know so well on the surface. All the technical terminology has never been something I learned to recite. it’s in my writing, but I can’t tell you what the fuck it is. I just do it. This is common for native English speakers.
Generally speaking, American public schools don’t get too deep into the technical details of form and structure. Talk to a millennial in a messaging app if you don’t believe me. They’re virtually illiterate. Far too many of them don’t read, can’t write worth a shit, and have a severely limited vocabulary. Talking to them can be akin to bashing your head against a wall. If you want to find someone who speaks English well, you’re usually looking at rich people and non-native speakers.
People who learn English as a second (or third, and so on) language tend to get a fuller understanding of grammar than native speakers. They learn the rules, the punctuation, usage and form to a depth that puts the rest of us to shame. This is clear from the work I’ve seen of the non-native English speaking people enrolled in this course. They know English. We just use it. Half the time, we don’t have a clue what we’re doing, we just do it. They know what they are saying and why.
I have a large vocabulary, and I have a number of language tricks up my sleeve. Expressing myself is easy, and I’m good at it. But I suck ass when it comes to grammar. The failed written assignment hammered that home.
Yes, I have ADHD, and yes that mattered. It matters because being able to properly pace myself and effectively engage with material I don’t enjoy can be a fucking nightmare. If it bores me, I’m in trouble. It happened with college statistics and accounting, and it happened with the technical paper. It was really hard for me to focus on the material. After several hours, it all blurred together in my mind. I struggled to sort it all out in my mind. I struggled so much that after a while it was almost impossible for me to keep my head clear while I worked. The paper began to feel like a punishment, like a puzzle with missing pieces. In the end, I did the best I could given the circumstances and hoped for the best. It wasn’t enough and I failed.
In this case, to fail means to not meet the necessary criteria to reflect a complete understanding of the material. It wasn’t graded on a specific number of errors, it was graded on an overall ability to hit on the points required in the rubric. I couldn’t get it together. It fucking killed me, and the moment I saw that grade posted I seriously considered dropping the course, seriously enough to realize I ultimately wasn’t going to back out. They’d have to kick me out. I’m stubborn like that.
Have I enjoyed the course? In many ways, yes. Maybe even in most ways I can safely say that I have enjoyed it tremendously. In many others, though, I have hated it. It’s grueling. Even on a once weekly schedule, it’s extremely demanding. There’s a lot of work, much of it technical with little margin for error, like the paper I failed. But then there is the teaching itself. I love that part. Interacting with people hungry to know your language is a blast. it’s really fun to get to know them and guide them and implant your own language into their minds. There’s really nothing like it.
In the end, this is exactly what I wanted to get from the course. As much as I love my language, I want to share that love with others, and teaching this language to those who are so hungry for it is a privilege. Getting paid for it will be amazing. To think that soon enough I will be able to make a living doing something I actually love is mind boggling. That’s never been the case before, not by a long shot. Work for me has always been little more than a means to an end, and kind of a shitty end at that.
Some people know how to earn money. I am not one of those people. It’s like a magical power I just don’t have. I was born with privilege, had and have a lot of benefits in life others never had. I’m white, male, American, raised upper middle class, got to travel and live abroad, all that stuff. But in the end, I suck with money. It’s partly due to hating money, and partly due to being just like my mother. She was also terrible with money and generally hated the stuff.
Everyone else in my family, my dad, my brothers, stepmother, they all play that game well. They just get it. Same for most of my friends. Most have good jobs, nice homes, new cars, take vacations, the whole nine. Me? Paycheck to paycheck my entire life. I can play the guitar like a fucking boss, draw crazy shit with ease, and write all day long, but make a dollar? Yeah, no. I’m not your guy.
I have always worked where I can just do my job and be left alone (for the most part). I am not upwardly mobile, I don’t “play the game,” I am never “next in line” for that promotion. I am just not that guy. The thought of making a living doing something I like is foreign to me. Hell, I’m still not convinced this won’t all backfire into my face at some point. In fact, I sort of expect it.
By mid December it’ll be over one way or another. I’ll have either been booted from the program, or will have a fancy Cambridge English certificate to drop into my CV allowing me to start teaching and point me in a new direction for the next chapter of my life.
There’s some exciting changes in my future and they are long overdue. In the meantime, here’s to doing the hard things in life and doing them with grace. Funny where you find it if you look.
Buy me a coffee, or a hundred.