Shitlist 2/18/26
all deez shitz in da house
Here we are, balls deep into week three and there’s no sign of letting up. That’s not good. Logically, I know this will end next week, but with regards to psychological impact, next Friday might as well be a million years away. In more technical terms, that’s a solid 330 songs left (at the minimum). It’s fucking grim.
For today’s shitstorm, I decided to take a double-pronged approach. For the first, I opted to spread my smallpox blanket of pain across specific flavors of shit. To that end, I decided to hunt down some of the lowest-rated reggae songs I could find. To no one’s surprise, there is enough there to fuel years of shitlists. A couple of notable lowlights are worth a mention.
MAGIC!, a collaborative effort out of LA, are responsible for the egregious “Rude,” which simply has to be heard to be believed. I would consider “Rude” to easily rank among the worst songs in history. It’s a fucking abomination.
Not to be outdone, enter Smart Lyk & The Okkhigwehs, a little Nigerian outfit who may well take the crown with their inexplicably out of tune and tortuous “Love Promise (No Need to Cry).” This song is so bad, the only way I can accept that it was ever released to the world was at gunpoint, as a heavily paid favor, or as a dare. It is so fucking bad that words alone can not begin to touch the depths of its horror. There is every reason to cry.
The other prong of my shit spear focuses on a random assortment of rap and rap adjacent trash. John Gotti’s grandson gives us the pandering and awful “Young Hot and Rich.” It’s no less criminal than anything for which his notorious grandfather died in jail. Just look at the fucking guy.
.Jennifer Lopez, never one to rest on her trunk full of laurels, has had a surprisingly successful recording career. The notable low for this venture, to my ears, is “Jenny From the Block,” in which she tries (rather desperately, if you ask me) to convince us all that she’s just a regular girl and not a mega-millionaire who lives in mansions and burns out dudes like Ben Affleck in a ditch of woe.
Some sort of malignant tumorous growth on the ass of modern culture called Wyoming Wave Studios is kind enough to contribute their shameless holiday hybrid, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rapper,” to try and pull in that… What? That hardcore rap, jolly Christmas jingle dollar? That can’t be a thing, can it? Fuck them.
Nelly’s “Hot in Herre,” yes, two Rs, is on herre because it sucks ass. As does Sisqo’s particularly nauseating “Thong Song.” Hear that fucker and try not to have it worm its way into your brain like an amoebic infection. Thong thong thong thong eat my dick.
Eddie Murphy is back in the lists with “Red Light,” a shamelessly brutal reggae tune. This one also features the decidedly not reggae stylings of a one Snoop Lion. One guess as to who that dipshit is. Here’s a hint: he’s a bootlicker. “Red Light” is total shit.
As always, I include some songs I just simply hate, in any genre. Songs like “All That She Wants” by Ace of Base, who suck on an oceanic level, and also happen to have a clearly-marked ultra-nationalist past thanks to bandmember Ulf Elkberg. He’s been forced to admit his past and then pretend he’s sorry. He’s not. They suck. Fuck Nazis.
Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz” gives us a little taste of that kitschy over-the-phone sounding roaring twenties nonsense that thrilled the pop charts for one single song back in the ‘80s. Fuck him too.
The great nation of Brasil, no stranger to terrible music, gives us a couple of songs in the funk carioca genre. Funk carioca is a dancy, often silly mix of hip-hop, a highly modified form of funk, afro-caribe music that originated in Rio de Janeiro in the 1970s and has since taken the country by storm. Brazilian funk is often crass and intentionally juvenile, meant to appeal to everyday people who want get drunk as fuck and dance their asses off. It’s a noble cause.
Some of the Brazilian funk is so hilariously terrible that I had to include a couple.
Please enjoy “Na Arte do Sexo” by MC Katia, as well as “Dança Do Créu” by MC Créu. They’re both brash, stupid, and actually kind of fun. Once.
For those unfamiliar with Brazilian culture, much like Mexico and Europe, television variety shows are very much a part of popular culture history. One such show, Sabadaço, hosted by the famous Brazilian presenter Gilberto Barros, infamously featured a Brazilian singer going by the name Kasino. In 2006, Kasino performed his single “Can’t Get Over” on Sabadaço.
As he came out with his coterie of scantily-clad dancers, he hot-stepped to the middle of the stage, insectoid wrap-around shades across his eyes, and started singing his shitty fucking song. Barros notoriously shouts over the song repeatedly, trying to rouse the crowd to hilarious effect. Kasino has what appears to be a middle-aged DJ spinning records off to the side, looking every bit like a member of The Wiggles (a children’s show) in his red turtle-neck shirt. It’s fucking hilarious, and in Brazil, the kingdom of snarky memes, it is a perennial source of laughs. I watch it regularly and laugh out loud every goddamn time.
Naturally, for our purposes, it’s also a terrible fucking song.
We close today with a real banger. “Quick Blast (Shit You Never Saw),” by Viper the Rapper, is so bad you just have to hear it for yourself. Find it.
And now without further ado, your list…
“Cowboy Cumbia” Javier Molina
“Reggae Like it Used to Be” Paul Nicholas
“Stars Are Blind” Paris Hilton
“Red Light” Eddie Muprhy ft. Snoop Lion (Dogg)
“Who Dat” Shawn Storm
“Bad Boys (Theme From Cops)” Inner Circle
“Reggae Shark” The Key of Awesome
“Here Comes the Hotstepper” Ini Kamoze (pure agony for me)
“Barbados” Typically Tropical
“The Tide is High (Get the Feeling)” Atomic Kitten
“Boom Bye-Bye” Buju Banton
Love Promise (No Need to Cry)” Smart Lyk & The Okkhigwehs (dear god, what the FUCK)
“Can’t Do Without Her Love” Ras-Nu-Moodie (catastrophic)
“Rude” MAGIC! (definite contender for worst song ever)
“Na Arte do Sexo” MC Katia
“Dança Do Créu” Mc Créu
“Mambo No. 5 (a Little Bit of...)” Lou Bega
“Thong Song” Sisqo
“All That She Wants” Ace of Base
“Hot in Herre” Nelly
“Jenny From the Block” Jennifer Lopez
“Can’t Get Over” Kasino
“Body Bumpin (Yippe-Yi-Yo)” Public Announcement
“Do The Right Thing” Redhead Kingpin & the FBI
“Rock me Amadeus” Falco
“Rudolph the Red-nosed Rapper” Wyoming Wave Studios
“Young Hot and Rich” Carmine Gotti (John Gotti’s grandson)
“Shake it Like a White Girl” Jesse Jaymes
“Puttin’ on the Ritz” Taco
“Quick Blast (Shit You Never Saw) Viper the Rapper