Shitlist 2/23/26

Jesus Fucking Christ

Today’s list is entirely comprised of songs recommended by my good friend, podcast cohost, and lapsed Christian, Josh. Josh came from a homeschooled, East Texas, hyper-Christian household, and as such, was exposed to a veritable shit-ton of terrible Christian music.

As defined by my dumb rules for this dumb project, I must take all suggestions and listen to them during the month of February. The only exception is if I like the song, in which case I can’t play it.

Josh stepped up to the plate and pitched a curveball laden in Jesus juice and crumbs of His flesh crackers. I will thus spend this day swinging away at the list, and if I’m lucky, finally discover that Jesus is more than a fable created to control, and is indeed part of a three-pronged deity being/thing who was murdered for us because we’re bad, brought back soon after, lifted up into heaven or some shit, and due to come back at some unclear point in the future, at which point those of us who suckled at the teat of His word will in turn be sucked up to heaven to party amongst the divine, or else be consumed by the Beast of Revelation, whereupon they will burn for all eternity in an infernal lake of fire. Or something. Look, it’s total bullshit. And so is this fucking list.

It doesn’t help that (at least) three of these “artists” have been involved in sexual misconduct allegations. Funny how those pesky allegations seem to follow Christians around.

Christian music is the only “genre” that sounds like everything else. There is no clear “Christian” sound on this list, unless you are referring to the generally shit production values of much of this stuff. But hey, God’s love will overcome, right?!

Rich Mullins goes hard with the opener, “Awesome God,” doing absolutely nothing whatsoever to convince me that his God is indeed awesome and is not, in fact, a God of fly-by-night strip-mall churches, massive, guilt-inducing gore-filled backwoods billboards depicting aborted fetuses, or charismatic preachers who mumble a load of shit while wrestling venomous snakes, taking all your money, and fucking male prostitutes while spending your money on private planes, mega-mansions, and God-themed amusement parks.

“Colored People” by DC Talk certainly has a promising title. I was picturing some sort of manifest destiny nonsense about white Euros being the chosen people, and instead ended up with a mealy-mouthed kumbaya form of Christianity that works overtime to draw people of all colors under the umbrella of shit. Joy. It’s terrible, in case you were wondering. I know that might comes as a shock… To no one. By the way, DC Talk and the Newsboys musician Michael Tait, an avowed Trumpist and Ted Cruz supporter, got himself in trouble for Bill Cosybing a series of men. But, you know, as he said, while he "'might dispute certain details in the accusations'" made against him, he did not dispute "'the substance of them'". Furthermore, he described his behavior as "'sin'", expressed remorse, apologized to those who were affected by his actions, and said that he was pursuing "repentance and spiritual healing." Oh well in that case, he can still fuck off forever.

Some of these group’s names are familiar to me, like DC Talk, Switchfoot, and Reliant K, none of which I knew were Christian since I never had the slightest interest in listening to any of them. And I am happy to say that was a sound call.

Reliant K as it turns out is shitty Christian emo, which is something that has no reason to exist. I mean, seriously, dudes, what the fuck? You’re goddamn terrible. Like, so bad that Blink 182 sounds like Neil-Young-rocking-a-30-minute-take-of-”Cortez the Killer”-live-in-1975-at-Red-Rocks-as-the-sun-sets-on-a-crisp-October-evening-while-you-cruise-on-three-hits-of-solid-Owsley-blotter-and-a-bag-of-Thai-stick better.

“Mission Trip to Mexico” is a sort of novelty/ska abomination and just fuck that song. It is drenched in that smarmy overconfidence so prevalent in the globetrotting proselytizers who have zero respect for anyone else’s way of life. It’s one of the things I hate the most about Christianity, this apparent need to badger the planet into becoming “One of us! One of us!” when exactly no one was sitting around asking for these tools to come inject American banality into their lives.

“I Can Only Imagine” is a ‘sincere” countryfied song that is ever so mercifully forgettable. Make no mistake, however. It’s complete shit.

Jaci Velasquez’s “On My Knees” sounded even more promising than ‘Colored People” for obvious reasons, and boy does it pay off.

There are days when I feel
The best of me is ready to begin
Then there days when I feel
I’m letting go and soaring on the wind
‘Cause I’ve learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive

I get on my knees, I get on my knees
There I am before the love that changes me
See I don’t know how, but there’s power
When I’m on my knees

I can be in a crowd
Or by myself, in almost anywhere
When I feel there’s a need
To talk with God, He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes no darkness there
There’s only light

I get on my knees, I get on my knees
There I am before the love that changes me
See I don’t know how, but there’s power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I’m on my knees

I get on my knees, I get on my knees
There I am before the love that changes me
See I don’t know how, but there’s power
When I’m on my oh, when I’m on my
When I’m on my knees

Now that photo down there is just pure gold. Some jokes write themselves.

juvenile? perhaps.

Joy Electric dips in and re-touches on all your shitty emo needs but over a dance beat for some reason.

Bob Bennett intros his tune with a dumb monolog that’s supposed to be funny and is not. As for the song, well, he can play the acoustic pretty well. I’ll give him that. He can’t sing worth a fraction of a shit, though, and the song is so saccharine and glib that it should be a crime. When the choir joins in I want to dive headfirst into a marble quarry.

Any song called “Watercolor Ponies” does not deserve a mote of my attention, so fuck that one. Actually, I’ll just say that whatever the fuck he’s saying about “little boys” can’t be good and leave it there. And yes, it’s horrendous.

I knew Michael W Smith was gonna be extra bad because Josh included two of his “songs,” and I was correct. Total shit. Bagpipes for Jesus, anyone? No? One dimensional and limp Neil Diamond stylings? Walmart Phil Collins guitar solos? Eat shit, dude.

This was the point at which I went back and realized I wasn’t even halfway through the damned list and that I was thus in deep doodoo. Even the right wing list was better than this. That’s not saying much, I suppose, other than the fact that taken on balance, Christian pop/rock might be the overall worst music on the planet.

I tuned the next song out because it was generic and forgettable, but then came “One Time” by Earthsuit. “One Time” is a craptastic rap/rock/nu metal/reggae hybrid that is bad enough to make you long for Crazytown. The only plus is that it isn’t overtly Christ-y on the surface, which is exactly how deep I tend to dig into it.

“Don’t Look at Me” by Stacie Orrico is essentially a Britney Spears stand-in but with Jesus replete with vocal fry.

And look at that, we’re halfway there and we’re living on a prayer, or thirty!

Following along with the teen theme is PlusOne and their take on ‘90s boy bands, only worse, which is something I didn’t think was possible. It goes to show that life is always up for surprises. Just like Jesus!

ZOEgirl is just more bouncy Jesus teen pop that isn’t worth, well, anything at all.

Inappropriate sexual conduct practitioner, Raze’s “More Than A Dream” was a welcomed surprise. The song is well-written and the band does a fine jo… Come on, now, you didn’t believe that trash, did you?! You know it’s total shit. Jesus, man, take a breath.

Twila Paris’s song was lifeless and skippable. It did, however, have a little guitar lick that was suspiciously close to the main riff from that racist asshole Eric Clapton’s “Forever Man.” They can both fuck all the way off into the sun, together, if it makes it any easier.

George Beverly Shae shows up to deliver us an old-school, sappy hymn-ish song-turd all the way from Canadiana.

Here’s his nose…

And just like that, we’re two-thirds of the way through this nightmare list.

Ill Harmonics is kind enough to regale us with their mindlessly stupid Christ-rap to predictably shit effect.

Three For Flinching drags us back into emo territory.

And then we come to Chris Rice. His song “Cartoons” takes the singalong concept to a live audience and adds in a series of cartoon catch phrases which he then modifies by adding the ‘luiah” from halleluiah on the end of them. You know, like Yabba Dabba Dooluiah and Scooby Dooby Dooluia, and also Elmer Fudd saying “Hawewuiah.” YOu see, it’s hilarious, and the kids love it. Which kids, you ask? Oh, why the same sort of kid he was reported to have molested back between 1995 and 2003. But, to be fair, at least he admitted his sins and has since atoned for the… Oh wait, to date he has never addressed the accusations, which, by the way, were found by the church through which he was operating, to be “credible.” Wonderful.

Supertones Strike Back trip you up with a ska-ish take on the intro to Metallica’s battery, because who knows why, and then goes all in on the ska train, a train on which I have never purchased a ticket since maybe The Specials.

PAX217 does their best P.O.D. impression. It’s good enough to make me think it was P.O.D. right up until..

P.O.D.’s rock radio hit “Alive” is next, reminding me why I hated them back during the nu metal days, and still hate them just as much today. They are the rare instance of a Christian band breaking through into secular mainstream charts, and I for one couldn’t care less.

The rest of the songs aren’t worth getting into. Just know they’re all terrible.

The closer is a cover of MxPx’s “classic” “Punk Rawk Show” as sung by Christian crooner John Jonethis. He can’t sing. It’s awful. And I already didn’t care about the original.

And there you have it. 30 God-awful songs to listen to whenever you’re feeling self-righteous, superior, or just plain criminally lascivious.

In the immortal words of an actual musician, ”What a wonderful world!”

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2/23/26 EVEN GOD SHITS

1. “Awesome God” Rich Mullins

2. “Colored People” DC Talk

3. “Sadie Hawkins Dance” by Reliant K

4. “Mission Trip to Mexico” by Bunch of Believers

5. “I Can Only Imagine” MercyMe

6. “On My Knees” Jaci Velasquez

7. “Punk Rawk Show” John Jonethis

8. “Children of the Lord” Joy Electric

9. “Angels Around Your Bed” Bob Bennett

10. “Watercolor Ponies” Wayne Watson

11. “This Is Your Time” Michael W Smith

12. “Secret Ambition” Michael W Smith

13. “Jesus Will Still Be There” Point of Grace

14. “One Time” Earthsuit

15. “Don’t Look at Me” Stacie Orrico

16. “Written On My Heart” PlusOne

17. “I Believe” ZOEgirl

18. “More Than A Dream” Raze

19. “God Is In Control” Twila Paris

20. “In the Garden” George Beverly Shea

21. “Will I?” Ill Harmonics

22. “Struggle To Recover” Three for Flinching

23. “The Cartoon Song” Chris Rice

24. “Supertones Strike Back” The O.C. Supertones

25. “PSA” Pax 217

26. “Alive” P.O.D.

27. “I Turn Everything Over” Switchfoot

28. “A Strange Way to Save the World” 4Him

29. “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever” Delirious

30. “Breakfast” Newsboys

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