Shitlist 2/24/26
music is so full of shit
After last Friday’s trip down deep into the impacted colon of jingoistic right wing music, and yesterday’s traipse into the Lord’s own shit pie, I am destroyed.
If you’ve ever had to stay up for days on end and, maybe, oh I don’t know, spend 44 hrs. trying to get home from South America, then you know how you feel once it’s all over. Sure, there’s relief, but there’s also extreme exhaustion. Well, that’s where I’m at today. It’s like I just ran a super marathon wearing Lego-stuffed waders, sandpaper patches on my nipples, and a buttplug. To clarify, it’s not good (you would like that mental image, you fucking pervs).
Today’s list is back to a cherry picked amalgam of shit porridge. No central focus, just a dense packing of pure unadulterated shit.
We open with Frampton as per a recommendation. I don’t hate Peter Frampton. In fact, I think he’s a fine guitarist and a funny guy. But that original version of the song is total shit.
We move on to another rec in Foghat’s interminable “Slow Ride,” a song I have hated since I first heard it in middle school. It’s not getting any better, either. That big bass breakdown can huff nards.
Reality show sensation Clay Aiken is next with his crap song “Invisible.” Yep, sucks. It sucks so damn hard. “If I was invisible… Wait, I already am.” Oh go fuck yourself.
Better Midler has been on my personal shitlist ever since I was forced to work with a flamboyantly gay man who had just come out of the closet at 50 and wore Daisy Duke’s to work while playing Better Midler, Barbra Streisand, Hugh Jackman musicals, and all other manner of brutally horrendous torch music as approved by whatever organizing body has to sign off on freshly minted gay guy’s music. That he rocked an entire box set of her live stuff has left a permanent stain on my psyche so bad that whenever I hear her I have conniptions.
MC Hammer provides the moronic “Pumps and a Bump.”
Which brings us to the odious Spin Doctors again, but this time I suffer through “Two Princes,” which is pure hell and contains the “just go ahead now” line that makes me want to bash in my own skull.
After a couple shit all-timers we get to the perennial shit-topping favorite, “My Heart Will Go On” from Celine Dion and the Titanic movie soundtrack. I have hated this song since day one, and I think my loathing of it contributes to my ongoing negative opinion of the movie. I have since amended my view of the film as a decent disaster movie wrapped around a stinker of a love story. James Cameron does spectacle like no one else, but as for emotions, the guy is a fucking robot.
We get another rec with the MTV ‘80s smash hit, “Hey Mickey,” another song that used to send me into paroxysms. It still sucks, though now has a weird odor of nostalgia to it, reaffirming my belief that nostalgia is often a stinky virus which infects our better judgment.
Ill Wind takes a dump on me, and then I endure Styx’s Dennis DeYoung’s version of Hendrix’s “Fire,” which is absolutely pointless and one hundred percent pure garbage.
Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” was another tune that tortured back in the ‘80s. Those damn giant letter shirts were everywhere and I hated it. George Michael is another guy who I kind of enjoy for what he is, but I still hate this fucking song. Also, Andrew Ridgeway is the luckiest man alive save for maybe John Oates.
Billy Joel returns, but this in his early band Atilla and their song “Godzilla / Part 2: March of the Huns” which makes me ask, “what the ever living fuck?!”
Elvis is also back with another gem. This time it’s a weird calypso number about shrimp. Scarves and water, Charlie, scarves and water.
Metallica joins us from their ill-devised Lulu collab album with Lou Reed that exactly no one asked for. It’s a rough go.
Kid Rock is back once again to “Wax the Booty,” which can’t be healthy. And guess what? It isn’t healthy, at all. What it actually is is an example of why liberals are tasteless immoral animals and conservative rockers like KR are able to release a song about anal sex and sniffing for VD before doing the do, because America!
From there it’s a four song romp through pain, a la…
“Three Second Rule” Lisa Gail Allred
“Country Roads” Joshua Hindman
“Behind Closed Doors” Charlie Rich
“Fight Song” Rachel Platten
“Unholy” Sam Smith
They’re all worthless shit.
Sheck Wes is nice to give us this tasty chorus: “Bitch, shit, bitch shit…” You can guess the rest.
Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” is a song that has always made my skin crawl. And I have always heard her singing it as “all the single-ing,” whatever the fuck that means. This song is a highly infectious ear worm that will ruin your day. it certainly has ruined mine. I know it’s cool for dumb white guys to hate her. I don’t hate her, but I do hate her music. But then, I am dumb, white, and a guy, so, fair enough. Put your hands up!
I think “Smoke Weed Eat Pussy” speaks for itself, and it’s a sentiment for which I an rather fond. The song, however, is grade-A, first class, Rolex-level shit. Eat your heart out, Shakespeare, you scrub:
I smoke weed, eat pussy all the time
Straight bargain day, all stand in line
It doesn’t really matter
I don’t know what to say
They got a thing from my ass
And I’m here to play
And I will never be your baby
‘Cause I’m a motherfucking lady
I hit the blunt like I’m Slim Shady
Yeah, I’m a motherfucking lady
I smoke weed, eat pussy every day
And every day is kind of the same
I have fun and I feel no shame
I smoke weed, eat pussy every day
And I will never be your baby
‘Cause I’m a motherfucking lady
I hit the blunt like I’m Slim Shady
Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas tries to sexy up the National Anthem and instead does whatever this is:
Hip-hopper Zac Brown sings some dumb shit about how he’s Patrick Swayze for some reason. Here’s a tip, he is not Patrick Swayze, and he sucks a mountain of ass. “Ever time I get a new bitch, I need a new bitch.” Umm… What does it mean? The fuck if I know. I mean, other than it means that Zac is a dipshit hack.
No one should ever be called Hudson Mohawke, unless their a first nations chief. Unless they have Native Americans in Scotland, this knuckle-dragger is little more than a talentless imbecile. “Cbat” serves no purpose other than cement his position on today’s shitlist. What a bed knob.
How dare anyone even think of doing a sincere cover of Skynyrd’s “Simple Man,” and yet here we are with Shinedown, another 2000’s travesty doing just that. It’s fucking terrible and they need to go back to Jack in the Box and rehydrate onions because they have utterly failed at this whole rock band thing. Fucking idiots.
To close this shitlist out, I chose to reprise "Frampton’s “Baby, I Love Your Way,” but this time I chose a cover by some nightmarish group called Will To Power, which sounds very majestic and philosophical, as if they spend their days staring into voids and becoming so damn UBERMENSCH. But no, it’s another soulless torch song factory that pumps out garbage at an alarming rate. To make it worse, they tack on the Chorus of Skynyrd’s “Freebird,” because, oh fuck I don’t know why they did it. It’s offensive, stupid, and tyrannically bad.
Only three days left to this shit and then it’s a month of the heaviest shit I can find, favorites, and new albums that I have been waiting to get to all month. Give me strength, oh great old Gods, oh mighty Cthulhu. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!!!
2/24/26
“Baby, I Love Your Way” Peter Frampton
“Slow Ride” Foghat
“Invisible” Clay Aiken
“From a Distance” Bette Midler
“Pumps and a Bump” MC Hammer
“Two Princes” Spin Doctors
“Superman (It’s Not Easy)” Five For Fighting
“Make ‘Em Say Uhh” Master P
“My Heart Will Go On” Celine Dion
“Hey Mickey” Toni Basil (c/o Julie G)
“High Flying Bird” Ill Wind
“Fire” Dennis DeYoung
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” Wham
“Godzilla / Part 2: March of the Huns” Attila (Billy Joel’s old band)
“Song of the Shrimp” Elvis Presley
“The View” Metallica & Lou Reed
“Wax the Booty” Kid Rock
“Three Second Rule” Lisa Gail Allred
“Country Roads” Joshua Hindman
“Behind Closed Doors” Charlie Rich
“Fight Song” Rachel Platten
“Unholy” Sam Smith
“Mo Bamba” Sheck Wes
“Single Ladies” Beyoncé (all the single-ing, all the single-ing)
“Smoke Weed Eat Pussy” Ängie
“National Anthem” Fergie
“Swayze” Zac Brown
“Cbat” Hudson Mohawke
“Simple Man” Shinedown
“Baby I Love Your Way / Freebird” Will to Power
Give me some (or all) of your money, and thanks in advance!
Love Invisible by Clay! His two new remixs of the song are great - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4rWsH7UhOvuAmilisCDzLI
The Will To Power Frampton/Skynyard mashup deserves reeducation by labor for everyone involved with the possible exception of the recording studio’s janitor.