Shitlist 2/25/26
shitting into the homestretch, the humpshits, if you will
It’s hump day in the final week of this grueling test of my sanity. In a sense I have enjoyed this exercise. It has spurred some interesting discussion amongst my friends over on Facebook, a platform I all but abandoned after the disastrous 2024 election after which I completely went into a dark hole that I have yet to fully escape.
But hey, at least I’m not alone! Millions upon millions of people have markedly worse lives thanks to the current administration, and all joking aside, to think that we aren’t even halfway through a lame duck term that good old Foxtrot Delta Tango will almost certainly never leave when the time comes is deeply disheartening.
This list is about two-thirds recommendations, and I am both thankful and pained as it is clear that my friends know me all too well, understanding the assignment with crystalline clarity. Fuck the lot of you.
And with those cheering sentiments, let’s get to the real shit!
We open with the two most self-satisfied, hubristic songs in history. Yes, it’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas"?” and “We Are the World” played back-to-back for my edification. For whatever reason, ‘80s rock stars thought they could save the world. To no one’s shock but theirs, they could not. They could, however, gather a Himalayan range of talent together and somehow manage to record two unbearable songs which suck as hard today as they did back then. Well done, lads.
Dexys Midnight Riders not only made me want to wretch at the mere mention of their name back in the day, they also don’t understand how apostrophes work. I’ll overlook their grammar today, though, because “Come on Eileen” is complete dribble. I still hate it vehemently. Also, I would like to include their official live version of the song here because their singer was so hilariously off that day that it deserves its own mention:
Yeah, brutal.
My grandmother was an impassioned fan of the Lawrence Welk show, which was the ‘70s epitome of a bland, ball-less Midwestern variety show. Every time we saw them over the holidays, she would play that show every single day it was on without fail. If I was home, she would also always pretend that she had no clue how to operate the TV remote so that I had to watch it with her.
One day I came home from school early to find her watching the show all on her own. She didn’t miss a beat and immediately asked me to help her with the remote because she “wasn’t sure I have it right,” despite the show already on TV.
“One Toke Over the Line” is a fine example of the sort of discomfort Welk’s old-school mentality felt over the influx of the hippie generation and the ensuing onslaught of drug use. It’s a recommendation, and a fine one (i.e. terrible). And, sorry, Grandma.
The Black Eyed peas are back, this time filled with a feeling that “tonight’s gonna be a good night,” which makes no sense since they’ve opted to start the evening by singing another fucking song.
Say what you want about the group, but the following chunk of lyrics are impressively out of touch and offensive.
Fill up my cup (drank)
Mazel tov (la' chaim)
Look at her dancing (move it, move it)
Just take it off (pump it!)
Holy cultural insensitivity, Batman!
Robert Goulet is a one man circus, and his take on “Impossible Dream” is just the worst. I still love the guy, though.
If I had to describe Jennifer Murphy’s “I Want to be Neenja,” I would call it an alchemical transformation of a song into a pile of steaming racist shit. The faux Japanese accent is actually worse than Phil Collins’ Mexican accent in “Illegal Alien.” Way to go, Jennifer, I hate you. The worst thing about this song after the racism is the fact that it seems to never end.
Anyone who grew up in the ‘80s remembers the Chevy Truck commercials themed with Bob Seger’s “Like a Rock.” I couldn’t stand Seger’s Silver Bullet Band. Their “Aww shucks, gee whiz” all-American heartland rock was insincere and fucking terrible. I have no doubt that Chevy and Seger made bank off that tune, though. So yay, I guess.
I used to have a theory that Seger was a werewolf. It’s simple, really. He looks like one and his group is the Silver Bullet Band. Do the math. Werewolf. And also a shit songwriter.
Our old friend Eddie Murphy is back with another song. This time I endured “Boogie in Your Butt,” a song that demands we “put an alligator in your butt,” along with a host of other improbable things-inside-your-butt pairings. Hilarious, Eddie. You’re so goddamn lucky you still have a career after the missteps you’ve made along the way, dude. I mean c’mon, the guy made The Adventures of Pluto and Nash, that is inexcusable shit.
“Tell Me” is one of those songs that exists for one reason, to make you shake your booty on the dancefloor. Unfortunately, it sucks so bad I would imagine it might actually be better at emptying the floor at last call. GG Allin and his literal shit couldn’t get me to leave a place faster than this shit track.
Which brings us to “When We Disco.” Yeah, wow. It’s K Pop, I guess. Which means I know exactly nothing about it other than J.Y. Park and SUNMI are Korean and that they suck.
Unkle Adams wants us to know that he’s been “original since I was in my momma’s ovaries.” Dope, dude. Dope as shit. okay, mostly just shit.
Imagine Eminem but like ten times dumber, less interesting and boring, and then mixed with a splash of DMX if he was brain dead. Bingo! You’ve got “Brick in Yo Face” by Stitches. Worthless shit.
“Zip Zap Rap” is one of these ‘80s styled rap songs that utilizes that goofy serious spoken sing-song style of rap that made everyone who employed it sound like an idiot. Devastatin’ Dave just wants us to avoid smoking coke, but instead of having that effect on me, as soon as I heard this, I ran out and bought a boulder of rock and smoked it all and then shit my pants.
“Where’s Matchbox 20 on your list, John?”, you ask. Why, right here at number 15. I could pick any of their songs, honestly, because the few I’ve heard all sound exactly the same, and that sound is complete shit. In the end I went with “3AM,” another one of those songs that makes me want to jump into a thresher. Who likes this garbage?
Oh look, Creed is back! They're just too shit to ignore for long. I’ve already played “With Arms Wide Open,” which is tantamount to audio homicide. I also already played their singer Scott Stapp’s Florida Marlins fight song, which is especially horrible, even for him. But seriously, how can I leave out “Higher”? It’s bad enough that I felt it needed inclusion on the lists.
Scott Stapp, like all good Christians, fell apart due to his alcoholism, but not before having a drug fueled sex party in the back of a tour bus with choir boy and all-around moral example, Kid Rock. Every breath Scott takes is an affront to humanity. Kid Rock too.
I had almost forgot about “Run-Around” by Blues Traveler, and then I saw it mentioned someplace and rushed to add it to my list. I FUCKING HATE that song. People who add several worthless syllables to words and pretend it’s a “style” deserve ball kicks. I hate the way that John Popper dude wears fishing vests and Crocodile-fucking-Dundee hats, sings, and huffs on that infernal harmonica like Darth Vader’s mask. FUCK. THIS. SONG.
Oh but wait, let’s play a Dave Matthews Band song, John. What could go wrong? I want to die. Surely, it can’t get much worse than this.
“Crash into me and I come into you, in a boy’s dream”
Beg pardon, Dave?
“Drop my mic!” pouts Jewel, as she then belts out “Who Will Save Your Soul?” which I can only interpret as a jab at the emptiness of the ever-expanding center of a godless universe. Doom has never been so cold.
Tal Bachman’s “She’s So High” is yet another one of those mind worm songs that all sane people hate. Or in my case, not so sane. That chorus is musical cyanide.
Guess who’s back? It’s Creed! Kind of. Enter a dance remix of their song “One Last Breath,” by obvious sadist, ATLiens. And just when you thought Creed couldn’t get any worse. Oh you poor amateurs.
I feel like I’ve been particularly hard on Creed. Okay, I have. But I think it’s fair. But I have to say that I do actually have respect for their guitarist Mark Tremonti. I don’t like his music, but I recognize his talent. I just wish he had some taste. But hey, what do I know? My guitar playing hasn’t exactly flown off the shelves. There’re probably a fair number of folks who would put any of my songs on their shitlist. But hey, that’s how shitlists work! Make your own if you don’t agree with my opinion of “Midnight at the Oasis,” or whatever. Me? I hate that shit.
"Have Mercy" by Chlöe sucks. But in its favor, the moment it ended, I Forgot how it went. I call that a win.
Then comes “Blackball” by DJ Khaled ft. Future, Plies & Ace Hood. All three of them sound like someone has their genitals in a vice. I’d focus more on how shit the song was if I wasn’t so concerned for their safety. Someone might need to do a welfare check on those dudes.
I used to work a huge The Weekend fan, and compared to some of the other stuff he played for us, I welcomed his stuff. “Can’t Feel My Face” was a recommendation, and while it’s not my jam, I don’t completely hate it (it actually kinda fucks, to be honest). Sure, it’s a bit too on the missing-nose of Michael Jackson’s whole thing, but that’s cool. At least it isn’t Jim Nabors.
LFO’s “Summer Girls” is a widely loathed song, and after listening to it, I can see why. It’s what I might call frat-rape-rock. Or if you like, shit.
We have an Amazon TV at home because it was cheap and had decent reviews. It’s held up well. The thing is, to keep it cheap, we get a big banner of Amazon recs across the home screen, which is pretty fucking annoying. The other day it was hyping some empty-eyed blonde named Megan Moroney. I had no idea who she was, nor did my wife. And then I made a joke about how the word moron was in her last name because that’s my level of intelligence. It turns out she has a country tune called Tennessee Orange," and guess what? Are you sitting down?
That’s right, it’s total shit! She can’t sing at all. But she is blonde and white! Superstar!
I love “Shaddap You Face,” I can’t help it. It’s stupid and annoying, but I still love it. Nonetheless, it deserves a right shitlisting, so here you go.
“Brooklyn Girls” was another mercifully forgettable shit songs, which is good because it leads into “Pho King Badd Bhech” by Razzlekhan which contains these lyrical gems:
[VERSE]
Never been much for romance
Rather do my jerkoff dance
Love at first glance?
That’s a stalkerish advance
No thanks: I’ll pass
Rather smoke my grass
Don’t want the harass
Don’t come trespass
I’ll kick ya ass
Top of my class
Don’t stand a chance
I’ll Shatta (shatter) ya pin dick like glass
[HOOK]
I’m a motherfucking bad bitch
Go (on); make me a sandwich
You annoying; like vag itch
So lame it’s fucking tragic
[VERSE]
Personally I blame love stories
Relationships in categories
F*ck yo Bollywood bullshit
Fake Disney crap; so counterfeit
No I ain’t heaven sent
You can’t pay my rent
Come on take a hint
No means no; ya got it?
Done putting up with yo dumb shit
I’m a dead shot; don’t forget
Dump your body from the jet
(splash)
Don’t get so upset
This the only way you ever gonna get me wet
[HOOK]
I’m a motherfucking bad bitch
Go (on); make me a sandwich
You annoying; like vag itch
So lame it’s fucking tragic
[VERSE]
You don’t even know me
Started uh company at 23
Got no clue what I’m about
Could gut you like a trout
Don’t know what my business does
Get lost; you ain’t my cuz
Make me cum or make me cash
(You) can’t even make me laugh
So many stalkers
Think they’re big talkers
A lil too busy
Seeing what they wanna see
Don’t live on a pedestal
But still extraterrestrial
F*ck off, Romeo
You ain’t my homie, bro!
[HOOK]
I’m a motherfucking bad bitch
Go (on); make me a sandwich
You annoying; like vag itch
So lame it’s fucking tragic
Bad bitch, bad bitch
Motherfucking bad bitch
Bad bitch, bad bitch
Motherfucking bad bitch
Bad bitch, bad bitch
Motherfucking bad bitch
Bad bitch, bad bitch
bad bitch…
So ladies, next time you get another unsolicited dickpig
Send them a motherfucking dickpig write back...
Consider yourself lucky if you haven’t heard it, and do everything you can to keep I that way. For me it’s too late.
And whadda you know, it’s time for today’s closer. I had to pick a big one, so I went with a top five worst song ever as rated by most people. That’s it, it’s “Mr. Roboto” by Styx. It likely needs no introduction. It definitely doesn’t need to ever be heard either, becuase it is indeed terrible.
And now I must go and figure out a way to survive the remaining three days of shit for February. I’m not sure I’ll work it out, but I have some ideas.
See you tomorrow!
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid
“We Are The World” U.S.A. For Africa
“Come on Eileen” Dexys Midnight Runners
“One Toke Over the Line” The Lawrence Welk Show (sorry, grandma)
“I Gotta Feeling” The Black Eyed Peas
“The Impossible Dream (The Quest)” Robert Goulet
“I want to be Neenja” Jennifer Murphy
“Like a Rock” Bob Seger
“Boogie in Your Butt” Eddie Murphy
“Tell Me” Wonder Girls
“When We Disco” J.Y. Park & SUNMI
“Original” Unkle Adams
“Brick in Yo Face” Stitches
“Zip Zap Rap” Devastatin’ Dave
“3AM” Matchbox 20
“Higher” Creed
“Run-Around” Blues Traveler
“Crash Into Me” Dave Matthews Band
“Who Will Save Your Soul” Jewel
“She’s So High” Tal Bachman
“One Last Breath (Remix)” ATLiens (Creed dance remix)
“Have Mercy” Chlöe
“Blackball” DJ Khaled ft. Future, Plies & Ace Hood
“Can’t Feel My Face” The Weekend
“Summer Girls” LFO
“Tennessee Orange” Megan Moroney
“Shaddap You Face” Joe Dolce
“Brooklyn Girls” Catey Shaw
“Pho King Badd Bhech” Razzlekhan
“Mr. Roboto” Styx