Xenomorph's Paradox
take my hand, we'll make it, I swear
I’ve pulled it off. And you’re welcome. I’ve watched the entire Alien franchise, warts, Predators and all. That’s Alien (1979), Aliens (1986), Alien 3 (1992), Alien Resurrection (1997), AVP Alien vs. Predator (2004), Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007), Prometheus (2012), Alien: Covenant (2017), and Alien: Romulus (2024).
It’s a franchise replete with varying degrees of success. The movies run the gamut from great, to very good, to decent, to enjoyably bad. Like all good Hollywood franchises, Alien’s chronology of release is confusing. Think Star Wars with its original three movies, followed later by the three prequels, and then the last three, and throw Rogue One in there just for shits and giggles.
Chronologically, Alien is the first film in the series. Next up is the latest and 9th film of the series, Alien: Romulus, which has been sandwiched between Alien and Aliens. Then we have Alien 3, Alien Resurrection, and then AVP Alien vs. Predator, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, Prometheus, and finally Alien: Covenant.
Great.
Ridley Scott changed shit for realsies when Alien first came out. The movie is an intense, atmospheric, taut, wonderfully acted, beautiful, and terrifying thrill ride, and I fucking love it. The development of Alien is a whole story unto itself. It’s hard to imagine it (if you are unaware), but the Chilean-French surrealist visionary madman Alejandro Jodorowsky was originally slated to helm the first take of Frank Herbert’s Dune. Bringing celebrated comic artist Moebius, screenwriter Dan O’Bannon, and Swiss biomechanical airbrushing dark lord H.R. Giger along for the ride, Jodorowsky’s vision of Dune was shaping up to be a possible contender for strangest and best sci-fi film ever made. But Jodorowsky Jodorowskied and the studio got scared and pulled the plug. And later on the project went to David Lynch who made the massive blockbuster version of Dune we all know and lo… Wait.
After going homeless for a stretch, O’Bannon began working on a story that fused many of his favorite elements: sci-fi, spaceships, weird space creatures, WWI military geekiness, and came up with the basic ideas of Alien. You know, guys in space tormented by an alien creature whose embryo bursts forth from someone’s chest. Meat and potatoes stuff. The original screenplay was put together between O’Bannon, Walter Hill, and Ronald Shusett. It was then pitched to the studios but no one wanted to touch it, thinking sci-fi to be a dead end. And then Star Wars came out.
Suddenly 20th Century Fox was pogo sticking around on its boner trying to get the NEXT BIG SPACE THING up and running, and there sat the Alien screenplay looking all coy and winky.
Giger’s creature and set design was next level. The alien’s elongated phallic head curved back over a glistening, jet black carapace. The creature has no visible eyes. In its mouth are shiny sliver-colored teeth. It is constantly drooling streams of viscous, stringy saliva. Then there’s the infamous extendable and toothy tongue/second-mouth thing that shoots from its main mouth and is used as a piercing weapon. The creature has what looks like hoses and ridges and ripples and weird appendages across its surface. Its a drooling, mechanical, shiny, insect, penis monster. The alien, referred to as a Xenomorph, is a prime example of Giger’s deep affection for biomechanical art, which features strange, detail-rich and bleak settings filled with strange alien creatures which blend and morph in, out, and through mechanical elements such as pipes and hoses and gears until you can’t tell what is animal, what is machine, and what the fuck is this thing.
Like most genre stuff, the critics weren’t particularly impressed with Alien, because, well, because many film critics are simply dickheads. But the movie won audiences over, because the movie fucking slaps.
The idea of a sequel didn’t fully cone together until the mid ‘80s when a young James Cameron was signed on to make a more slapstick, action-packed take on the original. Aliens was typical Cameron audience-serving fare, and was also a huge hit. There isn’t too much of a plot, mostly rehashing ideas from the original, plus a ton more action and wiseass dialogue. I saw it in the theater when it came out, and while I enjoyed it overall, I also found it to be extraneous and too silly. The Reebok shoe that was made just for the movie was fucked up and lame. And the use of a white woman to play a Latina was outright obnoxious and pointless. What, was there no tough as nails Latinas in Hollywood in 1985?
David Fincher directed Alien 3, and by all accounts the development of this one was a fucking nightmare. There were multiple rejected screenplays, including one by cyberpunk nerd author William Gibson. Fincher wasn’t even the first choice of director. And then the studio didn’t like this and that, and asked to change this and get rid of that, and all the fun stuff that a lust for money makes you do. The final result is, uh, okay. Does it have serious issues? Oh, fuck yes. The effects alone are a problem. But I still like that film, more or less, though it is admittedly a bit of a slog. The whole penal colony, religious zealot, let’s-introduce-a-woman-into-that-ugly-dynamic idea was kind of cool. But the gothic, yellowish visual style was kind of shit, and some of the effects were horrendous. A bunch of British, filthy bald dudes in rags spouting religious nonsense and wanting to rape someone is not the best time. And Sigourney Weaver’s Ripley, the crux of the series, is killed at the end. Post spoiler alert.
And then someone had the brilliant idea to bring Ripley back from the dead for the next movie. Who did they tag to direct Resurrection, probably unnecessary part four of the franchise? They brought in French absurdist, visual stylist, and oddball Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen, City of Lost Children, and Amélie). With a cast that included Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman, and Dan Hedaya, Resurrection is easily the strangest movie in the franchise, and in my opinion the worst. Honestly, the use of Jeunet was a terrible idea. The guy was clearly reigned in and sanitized, robbing Jeunet of his quirky uniqueness. And the thing is, had he been left alone to do whatever the fuck he wanted, it might well have been a cool movie, though one that would have to be shoehorned into the franchise due to its outright non-Hollywoodish weirdness.
Then came the AVP movies. As you probably already know, the Predators like to hunt stuff for kicks. The Alien makes for a formidable hunting foe. What if the Predators built a labyrinthian Indiana Jonesy pyramid up in the Arctic and housed in it a frozen queen Xenomorph to spawn its brood at the Predators’ hunting leisure? Ooh, wait, what if a bunch of people found this pyramid, got into it, and accidentally woke the queen up? You guessed it! Cheesy, campy carnage from end to end! Is it a good movie? Fuck no it isn’t! Is it a fun movie? Fuck yeah it is! Does it fit in with the franchise? Nope! And it doesn’t matter, because fuck you!
Following that balls-out party movie, Requiem takes the whole mess into the burbs, with predictable effect. Any good? Fuck no, it’s absolute shit. Worth watching? Of course it is! Hell, as bad as it is, it’s still not even the worst Predator movie.
After that, the series went back into radio silence for a while. And then it comes out the Ridley Scott is back to right the all the wrongs of the Alien movies he didn’t have anything to do with, and really reign it all in back to its original badass glory. Except, no. Because instead, what we got with Prometheus was an origin story more about the Engineers (the huge dude in the suit with the exploding chest found in Alien was an Engineer), a strange bio-goo that makes bad living shit, and the origin of people! Sort of. Because if there’s one thing audiences love, it’s being spoonfed factual data in the guise of a story. It’s just so much fun to watch.
Prometheus is a bit of a mess. And I’m being nice. I love it, though. And yet I can still be objective and say it’s trash. But hey, it made money, so onward we went!
On to Covenant. Scott is back, and he’s promised this one will be everything Prometheus mostly wasn’t: exciting and scary and packed with Xenomorphic awesomeness! Is it those things? Ehh. Sort of? Michael Fassbinder once again gives his all as the unbearably pompous asshole android named David (Michelangelo’s David the obvious nod here), as well as another David, which doubles your David pleasure! Whee! We find ou how the Xenos came about, which is okay to know, but boring to watch be explained. It is more violent (quite a bit more), has Xenomorphs (tons of them), and all that. But again, while I like the movie, I think it’s fair to call it shit as well. Audiences and critics certainly did. It bombed. Or in Hollywood terms: it lost money.
And it looked like Scott was done with Alien, and was happy now making crap like Napoleon and Exodus: Gods and Kings.
But then, lo and behold, along comes a fellow by the name of Fede Álvarez (Don’t Breathe, the Evil Dead remake), and a little project named Romulus. This one is sandwiched chronologically between movies I and II, and pulls off what was beginning to appear to be the impossible: it’s good! It’s not I and II good, but it’s really fun, violent, and has tons of fan service. Okay, it adds nothing of particular consequence to the story (not really), and yes, the AI infused Ian Holm likeness is really terrible looking, but the movie rocks all the same. And suddenly Alien is back, baby! Álvarez is now slated to make a sequel to Romulus, and I’m all on-board.
And guess who felt his groin tingle just a wee when he heard about the revival of his baby? Ridley Scott! Surprise, he’s back too! What the fuck will be up his sleeve for the next one? Prometheus/Covenant 3? I sure hope not! Let’s call that idea ill advised. But I know this much. I’m watching it!
So, do I recommend watching all nine movies in three days? Probably not the best idea, no. But that’s why I did it for you. And I fucking loved it, every last movie, loved it.
And now we have simply to wait to see what the honorable Ridley has in store.
Go watch horror movies.
And as always… Hey, wait a sec, what’s this black stuff?