You Smell Something?

one man's trash

We value weird shit. We value things that are hard to find, in small quantities, shiny, beautiful, and weird. We value things we are told we shouldn’t have. We value what the other guy flaunts in our face. The manner in which we express value is one of our more uniquely human attributes. The concept that to possess some or all of something as an enhancement to the otherwise mundane is as pathetic as it is unique. It harkens back to the fundamental flaw in the way we exchange things we value. The value of what you have exists in direct relation to what someone else does not have. This is the foundation of our society.

Because I have this and you don’t, I am better than you are, and this fact gives me joy.

What the fuck is wrong with us?

Well, we’re animals. We’re not special, or blessed, or chosen, or any nonsense along those lines. We are no better than a fluke or a dung beetle if you really get down to it. We talk a mean game, sure, but we also kill hundreds of thousands of others with the push of a button. I mean we celebrate that shit as heroic. We literally celebrate our ability and desire to slaughter strangers for little more than a symbolic cause.

But some of the things we have historically valued are weirder than others. Take ambergris for example. Ambergris is a lumpen, waxy and extremely pungent byproduct of sperm whale digestion. It forms in their digestive tract after years of eating squid. Over time, secretions from the whale merge with lots of squid bits and then the mass sits in the whale’s guts for years until it becomes a waxy grey lump. The whale barfs up this lump eventually, and it then floats on the open sea until finally ending up on some beach, whereupon some lucky beachcombing soul comes across it and takes it home.

Historically ambergris was used in the production of perfume, as it has the ability to bind with the scent molecules in the perfume, fixating and enhancing its smell. Some people of high esteem, such as royalty, would wear ambergris alone on their skin, which would have made them hard to miss, especially indoors. But it was the pungency which would identify them as the shit. Literally, in this case.

Every once in a blue moon a gigantic wad of this stuff washes up on a New Zealand or Scottish beach or wherever, and someone is suddenly getting a huge payday, because the stuff remains extremely valuable. Several countries, including the United States, have made the trade and possession of ambergris illegal. In the states it is due to the endangered species act. So don’t bother trying to Etsy yourself a wee chunk, you weirdo. Don’t bother, because I’ve tried, and it’s not available.

Here’s a lesser known substance that holds great value (though, admittedly, mostly to archeologists and historians). Bog butter. Found primarily in Scottish and Irish peat bogs, bog butter is another large mass of waxy stuff, which in this case is found buried under bog. It is usually made either from dairy, like regular butter, or from animal fat or adipose tissue. There are multiple theories on why ancient people buried this stuff. They vary from the formidable preservative properties of bogs, to the idea that the bog somehow imparted flavors into the stuff. For whatever reason, people dig the shit up more often than you might think.

Another truly strange thing that people value is found almost exclusively here in the US. Archeologists have unearthed canisters of an odd gassy substance which when released gives off a semi spicy and intense odor that some have described as reminiscent of rapist balls. Some of these canisters have the curious word AXE printed on them with some sort of garishly printed ink. Historians believe that this strange gas was used to identify criminals and halfwits so that they would be easier to locate in the dark, their preferred operational stalking environment.

So, yeah, people see value in some weird shit. What about you? What crazy shit do you value, hmmm?